GUEST COLUMN: When Snuking met the Cat Daddy

As said in the 2004 film Garden State, "If you can't laugh at yourself, life's gonna seem a whole lot longer than you like." By that rationale, our first guest writer's time on this earth is going to pass in a flash. You will know him as Ligs, and his actions might not seem too different from any other 20-something college dude, but what separates Ligs from the commoner is his self-awareness (sometimes only in hindsight) - a quality that manifests itself in the form of some amusing tales of failure, and accompanying self deprecation.  Read Ligs' first entry after the jump.


I was told to post a story about myself to give readers an idea of who I am.  This gave me some trouble at first for two reasons:

1. There’s a really good chance that only my friends will read this, and they already know who I am.
2. They’re with me for all the stories.

I struggled with this for a few days until last night, when thankfully the Gods of Alcohol made my decision for me by granting me a new story that only the people I was with last night know about (until now). 

A little backstory, my friend Colby got tickets for his girlfriend’s little brother (Bryant) who I hadn’t met to the Celtics v. Bulls game last night in Boston.  It was his sixteenth birthday a month earlier and Colby’s girlfriend Alyssa lives in the city, so I’d say it was a nice play by him.  If you’re into having sex and that kind of stuff.  He decided to bring another friend, Brendan, as well, who made the mistake of telling me, so than I got a ticket, so on and so forth until the final crew included Colby, Alyssa, Bryant, Brendan, another guy (Amaral) and me.  This, as you will soon see, is a recipe for disaster. 

The events of the day occurred as follows:

3:00 pm – Colby, Bryant, Amaral, Brendan and myself all arrive at Alyssa’s place in Boston.  We immediately start chugging beers and ripping shots of Rumple Minze for the next hour.  Considering that I hadn’t eaten in at least a day (don’t let ‘em fool you, being poor really sucks) and am apparently a god awful drinker, I get drunk really fast.

4:30 pm – I can feel myself blurring a little bit, and the familiar feeling that accompanies a blackout begins to set in.  At the beer pong table I make it a point to verbally harass and belittle my opponents (Colby’s girlfriend and sixteen year old brother).  At this juncture I respectfully inquire about Bryant’s love life. 

Me – “So Bryant, you been nailing any highschool sluts?”

Bryant and Alyssa awkwardly look at each other, and then Alyssa leaves the room.  Bryant pulls the collar of his shirt down to reveal a hickey.  Aaah to be young.

6:00 pm – Three of Alyssa’s girlfriends come over.  Miraculously, I make a little headway with one of them who was pretty decent looking.  (This does not happen a lot.) We talk for a little bit, and though the fifteen drinks I’d already had may have affected my judgment, I get the impression she’s into me.

6:30 pm – I proceed to do the cat daddy and dougie in front of Alyssa’s friends.  They’d never heard of either dance (I found this out after dancing alone for a half hour) and were as a whole unimpressed.  My girl is visibly losing interest. 

7:00 pm – 8:00 pm – The group leaves Alyssa’s place and goes to a bar to get food and drinks before the game.  The second we get a table and sit down I realize I don’t have my wallet, and continue to make everyone I’m with get up and look everywhere in the restaurant for it.  We look for a solid fifteen minutes with no luck.  Giving up, Colby walks over to the bouncer and writes his and my information on a napkin in case my wallet turned up.  I peek over his shoulder and see Colby writing my real name instead of the one on my fake I.D.  I mention this while the bouncer watches.  Colby crosses out my real name and writes the fake one.  At this point, there is no time left to get food or even beers.  We do a shot of Patron out of a wine glass and I fight hard to hold back my vomit.  My girl is disgusted and has stopped talking to me completely. 

8:10 pm – We make it to the game and inside the Garden. I’m still struggling to hold back my puke on a packed escalator when the urge to sneeze hits me.  It’s all encompassing and impossible to withstand, and in seconds I’m snuking all over the place in front of at least 300 people. 

(Side note) Snuking (v.) – to sneeze and puke at the same time.  Generally figured to be impossible by most experts, that’ll show ‘em what happens when you assume!

Covered in snot and vomit, and I break off from the group and wander around until I find a bathroom, where I attempt to clean myself. 

8:20 pm – I realize I’ve lost my ticket.  I try to walk into a random section and sit down.  A security guard stops me and asks for my ticket.  I make a feeble attempt at speaking and the security guard cuts me off (assumedly realizing I’m dangerously drunk) and proceeds to throw me out. 

8:30 pm – I start walking alone down the street.  It is FREEZING outside and I realize I left my coat in the arena.  There are cops everywhere.   I send a mass text to everyone I was with:

8:37 pm : he3lp

I take a break every block to catch my breath/composure in an effort to avoid getting arrested.  Somehow I make it inside a little hole in the wall pizza place where for some reason they allow me to sit inside where it’s warm.  I’m starving, but have no wallet/money and cannot eat. 

10:00 pm – My buddy Brendan leaves the game and comes and gets me.  I hug him.  Sitting alone and shitfaced in a crowded restaurant for an hour and a half is not fun. 

10:10 pm – We go to the bar that we were at earlier.  I casually ask the waitress if my wallet had turned up.  It had!  A genuine drinking miracle!  To celebrate, my friend and I order patron shots with beer backs.  I get us a round of nachos, which I sloppily pound while Brendan watches. 

11:00 pm – Brendan and I meet up with Amaral and one of his friends who lives in Boston.  We go to another bar, which has a dance floor.  I walk on and teach my fellow dancers the dougie and cat daddy.  Apparently this bar doesn’t appreciate obnoxious drunks falling into people full-speed, and I get kicked out.

11:30 pm - We decide to go back to Alyssa’s place and meet back up with Colby, Alyssa and Bryant.  My girl is long gone, so I attempt to romance a few female acquaintances with a mass text:

11:41 pm :  Horny?

Incredibly, none respond.  This is my last memory. 

7:00 am – I wake up on a pull out couch in-between the two guys (Brendan, Amaral) who tagged along with me.  I’m still completely intoxicated, and stumble to the bathroom where I take a piss.  I lean my body weight against the wall to avoid passing out.  After pissing I grab a beer and get back into bed and turn on the TV, where I flip between 'Sportscenter' and 'Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.'  I keep asking my sleeping friends if they want any of my beer and pretend to pour it in their mouths, which is funny until one of them (Amaral) gets pissed when I mistakenly pour my beer on his face. 

8:00 am – Colby, Amaral and I walk down the street to get Burger King breakfast for Brendan, who keeps throwing up and dripping sweat.  Apparently it was his first time drinking.  He is very adamant about getting a strawberry milkshake. 

10:00 am – We all apologize to Alyssa and drive home. 

I’m guessing some of you are curious as to why I would post this story.  Well, mainly because even though I’m really embarrassed by my actions, I do think it’s kind of funny.  But also because I like writing and making my friends laugh, which is basically an introduction to who I am and the kind of writing I’ll be posting on RPK’s site.  Besides drinking, I love sports, (Celtics, Red Sox – LETS GO A-GON!, Patriots) and entertainment, especially movies and TV.  If RPK lets me I’ll probably do some writing on those topics as well. 

Ligs out!!!