What I Gave
As soon as I walk out the office door on Friday I try my hardest to not think about my job until I wake up Monday morning. This weekend was a success in that regard, thanks in part to a booming Christmas Party Saturday night. As I shuffled into my office, straining my brain for any projects I had to resume from the week prior, I was blindsided by one of the ladies.
"Ryan!!!," she screamed. "Did you remember your SECRET SANTA? It's SECRET SANTA WEEK!!!"
God damnit, I thought. I had completely forgotten.
Unenthusiastic, I responded, "Uh, yeah." I then realized my monotone response may have been a little cold, given my coworker's obvious excitement. I continued, in an attempt to amend my initial lackluster response, "Of course! What? You think I would forget?"
After wracking my brain for 3 minutes, I decided I would write my Secret Santa a poem explaining my folly, promising a gift far surpassing the $2 limit the following day. Knowing my audience, I figured if I made the poem cute enough it would maybe take away some of the sting associated with being stood up on Secret Santa Day 1. It read...
...from the desk of Kris Kringle
You're probably wondering where your present is - no doubt, for sure,
Unfortunately, this weekend, my elves were a little immature
Instead of whittling toy trains, like Santa had asked,
The elves went out on the North Pole and got straight up trashed
But fear not for the elves are now in big trouble,
And tomorrow, at your desk, you'll receive a present that's double!
I waited until the subject left her office (I have a clear view of her door from down the hall), then walked briskly into her office, placing the poem on her desk. When she returned to her office, I listened from down the hall as my subject read the poem to herself, followed by a boisterous laugh. I had dodged a bullet, yes, but I had to put up the next day.
What I Got
After leaving my desk for a quick trip down the hall to our 25 square foot "kitchen," where I was able to fetch a glob of peanut butter on a plastic spoon, I returned to my desk to find my present: an oversized Hershey Kiss WITH almonds, and containing 3 raisins nestled within the center of the delicacy. I placed my spoon down on my desk gingerly, so as to avoid it toppling and leaving a peanut butter smear, and immediately turned my attention to the Kiss, devouring it in less than 15 seconds. It was the balls. Unfortunately, I was too eager to pwn the Kiss and forgot to take a picture of the gift until after the carnage. Given some of my coworkers' gifts - an "Office Voodoo Kit" (whatever the hell that means), a pot holder, and a gingerbread tree ornament - I feel I came out a winner today. Gift grade: 8/10.
Be sure to check in tomorrow, for a recap of RPK's gives and gets from both today (Tuesday) and Wednesday!
Peanut butter smear, WTF!!!!! you guys might need a nutritionist over there, you're gonna get sick.
ReplyDeletegreat new segment though, what wonderful insight into the pain, the strife, the utter disdain for the holiday season.
Good poem, good job scrambling while under pressure, flashes of Jeff Garcia!!
LOL great poem
ReplyDeletestories from the office would be a nice addition to th3place2be (that is a pain in the ass to type out)
you eatin peanut butter out the jar bro? thats the kinda stuff bliven does.
more like flashes of Jeff O'Suella
ReplyDeleteJust know Cone is eating peanut butter over at KMS.
That poem is onreal
Seriously dude, you at least gotta grab a slice of bread and make a half sang, everybody knows that.
ReplyDeleteYou thinkin' Ipod or oven mitt for your next gift?
Also, you have to appreciate how your co-worker left the post it with your name on it under the gift. Just in case someone sat at your desk and mistook it for their present.
ReplyDeleteSo Phyllis is basically saying, "Hey Michael, I know you did a lot to help the office this year but I only care about you a homemade oven mitt's worth."
ReplyDeleteHaha who went Phyllis and gave the pot holder?
Wait is a pot holder the same thing as an oven mitt? I guess I haven't been keeping up on my kitchen slang. That's too awesome. RPK turn this thing into a Yankee Swap, I'll give you Collins' Ipod, see if you can trade up.
ReplyDelete"Be sure to check in tomorrow"...
ReplyDeleteyet another broken promise. Maybe we'll get a po3m out of it.
At least slice up an apple and dip it in the jar. This little stunt you're pulling, has to be all KMS is talking about behind your back.
ReplyDeleteGive us more!!!
Listen, readers. Let's look past my peanut butter practice. I was open with you guys; I obviously didn't have to share that, but did so because I didn't think it was all that bad! I'll let you know I was once reprimanded at a local pizza joint for pilfering slices from unfinished pies while simultaneously acting as the restaurant's dishwasher. So, in comparison, you can see why I didn't see the peanut butter move as that big a deal.
ReplyDeleteI apologize for my tardiness in wrapping up the secret santa segment. My CPU at home is on the fritz, so I have to rely on my work comp for TPTB work. I've been busy with the impending yearly close at work, so I haven't had much opportunity to do any side blog work while on the job.
So lemme get this straight, you find yourself washing dishes. You see a piece of pizza among dirty dishes. And you think to yourself, "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."
ReplyDeleteI enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon on my George Foreman grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill, I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it's good for me, it's the perfect way to start the day.
ReplyDeleteRPK wanted me to post this since his computer is broken:
ReplyDeleteWednesday December 22nd:
Hey guys!! sorry about the long layoff, my freaking computer, LOL! Let me give you a quick recap of the rest of the gift giving: that next day I gave my secret gift recipient a walkman, ah the gift of music. As the day progressed, I was wondering, "hmm, where is my gift? did they forget? heck i deserve it after what happened day one"
then my b!tch coworker confidently strolled into my office. RPK, you motharfu(ker, I read you website, you didn't like the gift i got you? you MOTHARFU(ER. I turned beat red and tried telling her there must be another person working an entry level accounting job with my initials, who gave and received the exact same gifts. not very believable, but it's all i could muster up on the spot.
what a b!tch huh? Whatever, if that C-word got me something i actually liked (blueray player, Dvds, bestbuy gift cards, amazon.com cards, video games) I wouldn't have exposed her on the WWW. Thankfully, this is my last day before the break. Man, sometimes i'd just like to watch this place burn.
Anyways, Most of my Christmas shopping is done- just a few odds and ends things i may grab (last minute, LOL) to tack on to the gift giving extravaganza.
I hope i get some stuff that i actually LIKE and WANT, otherwise, heh heh heh, you'll be sure to hear about it.
RPK-OUT
boooooooooooo!!!!
ReplyDeletetick tick tick tick
ReplyDeleteat least mothball the site if you're gonna leave it vacant this long
ReplyDeleteupdate: RPK moved his site to www.lemonparty.org